It’s time for my wife and I to have our regular argument. I’ve got my bottle of Tipp-ex ready. ​

Of course, there is the daily bickering which we both use to discharge our frustration and irritation on a variety of subjects. We’ve come to understand that these exchanges have no significance to our relationship, in fact they are now an essential, and bizarrely enjoyable, part of our early morning exchanges. ​

I say ‘our regular argument’, but it’s not like our daily exchanges, this one rumbles on for months. We are familiar with the issue, (after nearly 40 years we should be), but we continue to turn deaf ears to each other’s opinion.

At this point I should make it clear that of course I am right and, if I was being charitable, I’d say she is perhaps not wrong, just stubborn. Typically, in response to my well thought out and logical views, she responds by telling me to ‘go and put on a jumper’. ​

Any day now she will ask the question, “Don’t you think it’s a bit hot in here?”  Do not be deceived, this is not an attempt to solicit my opinion, it is in fact the opening salvo in this year’s campaign. This is followed with a question that gets to the core of the issue. “Are you sure you know how to use that thermostat?” ​

Yes, this little box of electrical connections that sits quietly on the wall, will now be the focus of an argument that can last until next spring. It has a dial that rotates and is used to turn the boiler on or off depending on any change required in room temperature. I argue that if I’m cold the temperature dial should be turned up, and that the numbers on the dial are irrelevant. On the other hand, she claims that ‘22’ is far too high, so the thermostat must be wrong. ​

I’ve tried different tactics over the years, changing the time settings, scratching off numbers, even tampering with the water supply, but I’m dealing with a skilled debater, so of course she won’t be persuaded. ​

This year I’m painting over the numbers with Tipp-ex, but to be on the safe side, I’ve also bought a new jumper. ​

By Andrew Green of Mill on the Hill